I’ve never been religious. As a kid, I remember going to church with my grandparents, but I never paid attention to what was said or going on. I never read the Bible of any religious scripture. I may one day, but I’m in no rush. None of this means I don’t believe in anything. I believe there’s more to us than we’ll ever know, but I don’t believe we’re here by accident or just because. We believed in something greater than us before religion was even a thought in anyone’s mind.

It’s interesting how we allow something like this to consume our lives, but I understand it. It gives our life meaning. It answers questions we can’t answer for ourselves. But, I never cared about any of it. I wasn’t worried about the meaning of my life. It was all pretty clear to me while I was growing up. I could do whatever I put my mind to. At the time it was art, painting, drawing, and reading. Sadly, I was made to believe it was dumb and a waste of time by those who should have been supportive instead. But, what can you do? People are downers for many reasons.

I lost sight of what happiness was to me. I’m sad I did, but I focused on other things I figured would make happy. All I can say is it was never enough. I lost myself and I believe that’s why I got so heavily depressed around the time I turned twenty-one. I expected so much of myself and believed more than anything I failed. I was having a quarter-life/existential crisis and had amounted to nothing.

During that same time, I reached enlightenment. Miraculous, I know. I had emotionally and mentally hit rock bottom and the way was up from there. I’d been trapped in my thoughts and had a breakdown. I was lucky my husband was available and I had someone to talk to. I consider myself blessed how patient he was and still is with me. 

Working through my breakdown, everything suddenly became clear. Everything in the world made sense. It was like fitting the last piece of a puzzle and seeing its entirety. I had answers that I wish had been obvious to me before, but it doesn’t change the impact the realization made.

I make the future I want. Everything will happen the way I want it to. If I mess up, I learn from it and keep pushing forward. I’m young with endless potential. It’s impossible to pretend all my problems went away that night, but it was the first step in getting better and living a life I can be proud of building with my family. 

Eventually, I met with a therapist and have made more progress with my mental health. Allowing myself to care less about the insignificant and focus on the good in my life and what I can create to make it great for me has been freeing. I may have days where I fall off, but I’ve learned what I need for myself to get back up.

This life I have and live and love is what has taught me that there’s something more to us than what’s physically here. That includes the bad with the good. It’s like the weight lifting off your chest when you take a deep breath and decide to exhale. 

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2 thoughts on “Exhale

  1. Love that you were so honest with your story! We have all had some form of life crisis where we have to take time to question what’s next and how do we get there. There us no shame in the struggle and I am proud to see and hear about the woman you have become!!

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